2012

So I looked at the blog and realized that besides one post I didn't post at all on 2011. It was a remarkable year but it was very busy and there was certainly no time for blogging. More of 2011 later.

I'm writing now to express something and get it off my chest just because I can't keep it inside anymore. I hate homophobia and I hate the fact that people so close to me are homophobic. That is like hating me and its hard for me to look at them straight in the face. Its hard for me to hang out with them and to have anything to do with them because I just can't stand their homophobia. I guess it doesn't come out towards me but it hurts all the same, it hurts to know. I'd rather have been kept in the dark. Its even harder because I'm used to expressing all this on Facebook and now I can't because of a combination of reputation and because they would read it. I'm just not used to having it hit this close to home and I guess I'm a little bit shell shocked about the whole thing. I just don't understand racism and homophobia. I guess everyone has a reason to hate other people but it still hurts. I thought I was above it but sadly, I'm not. I guess I've been living a charmed life with people that are really accepting of me and others. I also realize that may be why people ditched me so much in college or before was because of a variety of factors. I never thought of myself as anyone else but me and I'm just not used to hearing it and knowing about it.

I hate being different and sometimes I hate being me especially with people I have to work and interact with. I look forward to the day when I'll be accepted for who and what I am. What's even more stupid is that when I'm rich and famous and doing things and I rule the world of media they will want to be near me. All of a sudden my preclusions won't be a problem if it gets them a job or anything else. I don't know if I even want to talk to them then. Right now, I need to do things that add to my life and things that build up my dreams despite them. I need to move and shake for me, make connections for me, and do things that add things to where I want to go not try to do things for other people or hope that they will take care of me. I need to build my base and create awesomeness for myself and not depend on other people. I need to use people for things that get me to where I need to go and move on from there. I can say I've never felt like this before ever in my life and I don't know what to do with these feelings other than to capitalize on them and not live in my own head.

There are so many things swirling about, so many opportunites, so many chances to finally make it for myself. I feel better already in my own small way.

Figuring out life

Its been several months since I last posted and alot has happened and I've learned alot since then. I've had time to rehab 2010 and I've been to the hospital twice. Besides the health crisis I've learned so much about the world and myself. 2011 holds a great deal of promise.

The Court

I left the court, couldn't take it anymore, enough said. I'm so tired of the users and tired of the pain. I was paying for people to eat drink and be merry as my expense. I dont need user friends. They cost too much in more ways than one.

Post-magazine, post-job, post-school

I got back into school thank god but I spent three months broke, sleeping, eat very little and trying to figure out what was wrong with my life.

2010 a year of lessons learned

I learned alot in 2010 like staying away from drama, and those kind of people and how to survive with no addictions. From drugs, to alcohol, to shopping, and food, all the addictions are over. I'm spending alot less money, I'm being wiser with my purchases and shopping has lost its appeal. I think I'm finally ready to have money in the bank. Money no longer burns a hole in my pocket. I'm on track to pay bills and everything, on-time and on point. Business was really slow for awhile but things are finally picking up for me. I learned to stay away from using people and to stay away from people that don't help me. I also learned how to not pay other people a great deal of mind. I also learned that I need off time and workout time to do everything that I can do and that its ok for me to step away from my work. I realized that if you work is your life you're not really having a life, you're working and thats not healthy.

Picklehelm Productions

I've started a new project called Picklehelm Productions. We've grown from a company that produces a cartoon to a Media city state in no time at all. I'm so excited and everything is coming together so easily. I think this project is the one.

Education

I'm wrapping up my Masters degree and I'm applying to PhD programs. I'm glad that I'm back in the saddle and working on wrapping up my education and maybe moving on. I am ready to get this degree done.

Rejection

I've been getting alot of rejection lately especially when working on the PhD thing. Its been hard for me to get recommendations and I've even got letters explaining why they aren't recommending me. Its been nothing negative but I don't understand why the rejection. I asked a guy out today and he said no because I asked him by text. Its a tough new thing for me but I'm standing up to it better.

Ive become the people my mother warned me about

LOL, so I realized tonight as I chill in the fashionable Fort Collins coffee shop the Alley Cat, a popular CSU student hang out, that I've become what I always ridiculed and who my mother warned me about.....the post graduate flop. I've been out of college for about a year now, tried the grad school thing, failed miserably and now I'm barely running my business and I'm hanging out in student coffee shops because I turn on at about 11.

I'm a guy out of college still acting like I'm in college and living the college lifestyle.

I've become that guy! Yes, him you've seen him everywhere the guy who hangs out in all the college locales in the college town. Some of them seem like their still in college, others of them look visibly too old and too ruffled to have darkened the door of a classroom in years. They have all the college student characteristics, scrapping by financially, keeping late hours, taking advantage of every happy hour and dollar pizza spot in town.

Oh yes, I'm now that guy...How the mighty have fallen down.....oh so far....

My Life, a worthless endeavour

So its been months since I've bothered to post to this blog mostly because I had been a successful working person, but now my life has deteriorated to nothingness and I'm driven to start writing here again, afterall, what else am I going to do?

So I got axed from the magazine and I got expelled from the Master's program in one week. Its been a week since it all went down. I'm in deep depression. I have no idea what to do with my life and my life is trully a wasteland.

I've been accused of so much, I've taken so much on myself and I'm just depressed in the worst way. Business is busy and bad all at the same time. I dont want to do anything and my therapist wants me to move back in with my parents and get a jack off job. But I dont want to do that because invariably all I do when I'm working retail or something is to just work and sleep because it takes alot out of me. I dont have time to pursue my dreams or much of anything else and then I'll just get stuck like in clerks or worst and I'll end up a 65 old retiree in Florida, old and alone.

The forecast is bleak. I was meant to live a life of excitement and success not one stuck behind a register while everyone else goes out and does important things.

Jess wants me to be a lawyer again. Something important that makes money. Whats a lawyer tho? They aren't anything.....they don't do anything other than fuck with people's lives. I don't want to screw people over or do much of anything. I just want to live my life and do things that matter.

2.5 months, So much as happened, but so depressing at the same time

Ah, I need to lose weight, I need to make more money, I need to do important things that matter. Reading on Facebook all the people who surround themselves with their relationships, their people, their Greek lives, music, or other mental drugs just make me want to cry. Somehow, I didn't quite envision life being this way. I wanted to do important things that mattered and it seems like I'm relegated to nothingness. Just a two-bit magazine editor, a upstart producer and manager for a friends music career (he will go places, trust and believe) and owner of a fledgling porn company. Its all very difficult.

I remember when I had confidence. It was before I met Jessie Jacobs. After that I realized I was just a peon, worthless and meaningless with no hope of getting anywhere. Its all very tiring to me anyway. I'm trying to get stuff done, get ahead, make it somewhere, or do something. But it all seems pointless. I'm getting nowhere and doing nothing. I guess I can take solace in the fact that I'm trying very hard. But now I get why people drink their lives away or just sit in bars going from place to place doing nothing. Because what does it matter?

I need to get out of Greeley, I need to get new friends, I just need to go somewhere else and start over, anew and afresh in the hopes that I can have a better life.

The life and times

So its been a couple months since I've written a personal blog post but so much has happened. Sadly the relationships that are being made and broken around here are happening 90 miles an hour. I feel the need more and more to get out of Greeley for awhile. I'm feeling crushed. I felt a little apprehensive about going on vacation at the end of this month but now I look forward to it more and more.

I wonder though, after today, if my years of free living, loose morals, and free spiriting haven't some how jaded me and lowered me down. Somehow perhaps my more tight lipped friends are better than me really. While I have encouraged them to be more like me perhaps in the long run they are better than me and will fair better in life. I don't regret my living but sometimes I regret my words of wisdom to others about what they should and should not do.

On a more pleasant note, a guy named Jack is coming next week to see my from California. He is moving out here and we will probably be boyfriends there after. I'm ready for some good butt sex and I'm ready to feel close to someone, it will be fun in any case.

Our group of friends have expanded to some of Brandon's friends from his ex-girlfriend from their job and elsewhere. Brandon and Amanda finally ended their run as well, it was dramatic of course especially because she immediately shacked up with a guy who left his girlfriend to be with her and then that girl shacked up with another guy in the group so now we have 3 couples, me and Brandon. Meanwhile my friend Abby has shacked up with a friend of mine making for four couples, Jenna has shacked up with Ray making for 5 and if Jack stays in town that will be 6. What is sad is that all this has happened within the last month.

And if that isn't enough I finally put Fiza to the curb. She called the cops on my and Abby's boyfriend so I decided to throw her out. I did it in a grand scale, I just marched over there and bitched her out and then left her. She of course is spreading the word around about me. People talk though....

Papers and Lion and Tigers and Bears oh my!

Brandon and his girlfriend just left because their stomachs hurt from Dinner. Thats the last time we go to Big City Burrito I might have to have them investigated. Right now I'm working on a paper. More later......Ashley is here....we'll see where this goes.